To J.A.

You had a smile that could put all around you at ease,

A charm that could sway anyone under your spell,

I couldn’t have been more opposite, an outcast, a hollowed shell,

A girl made of dust that threatened to drift away with the frigid breeze.

We were hardly ever in the same room, didn’t run in the same circles,

But one conversation was all it took to seal my fate,

I was caught in your net, all attempts to warn me came too late.

Your messages would greet me with the morning light,

And you were the last person I spoke to each night,

We had a bond unlike any other we had crafted,

There were no games or tricks or lies,

All the things you said you despised.

We held pieces of each other that no one else saw,

Secrets, truths, and desires more valuable than gold,

If you had asked me how it would end, I could never have foretold,

How the flames we fand would grow so cold.

There was always a reason for why you couldn’t see me,

There was a paranoia, a skittish twitch when you’d deign to be near,

Like you were on the lookout, seeing if anyone saw us speaking,

As if I’m an embarrassment one should steer clear.

I saw you out and about with the people you told me you hate,

The people you said only had a part of you that was fake,

Appearances to you were more important than integrity,

You feared your mask would crack with the slightest bit of sincerity.

Whenever I would see you in the flesh, my stomach would tie itself in knots,

But I was always an afterthought, something to endure or get over with,

I’d die a little each time, but I still held hope despite how my heart had begun to rot.

I would reread your texts again and again, listen to songs about unrequited love,

But still I was in denial of the truth, of the song of my heart,

I wished I had the foresight to see your truth, to see if indifference was all you could impart.

We always finished our conversations with “I love you”,

And those were the last words you ever said to me,

For weeks I messaged you, begging to know what I had done wrong,

But you stayed silent, no matter how earnestly I would plea.

Your love made me feel like I could finally belong,

But your disappearing act left me reeling and lost.

I waded through “whys”, all the whispers and lies,

You made it clear that I had no place amongst your shallow throng,

And for years after, I was convinced it had been my fault all along.

I was the Echo to your Narcissus,

The court jester to your bejeweled crown,

A nice distraction from the deceptive masqueraders,

But not worth saving when the smiles turned to frowns.

They wanted entertainment, and no matter the cost, I gave it,

My head was held under water, the party goers counting each breath,

But the merriment was so loud no one could see my body give out,

No one shed a tear for the lowly joker’s death.

Love lost brings perspective,

Misery’s teachings being the most affective,

Pulled from the water, air back in my lungs, I have one soliloquy left:

I will never again be the shame someone feels forced to heft,

With my love ricocheting off the walls until all sound is drowned out,

And the man I love not caring enough to hear it,

Not even as I scream and shout.