Grief

Grief is defined as deep sorrow caused by death, but this in no way encapsulates the complexity and depth of the emotion.

Grief isn’t always for a person, sometimes it’s for an idea, for a dream, for what someone represented.

I feel grief for the life I could have lived had I not gotten diagnosed, for the woman I could have become, for the dreams that died that night in the hospital.

I feel grief for the innocent lives lost to violence and war, to illnesses and complications that could have been prevented. Attrocities are happening in Gaza, the Congo, Afghanistan, Ukraine, even in my own country. Bigotry, hatred, ignorance, fear—the consequences of which are grief I never knew was possible, and each day feels worse than the last.

I feel grief for Liam Payne, just like I felt grief for Carrie Fisher, Alan Rickman, Chadwick Boseman, and Robin Williams. They each shaped my childhood in different ways, and their deaths serve as painful reminder that my childhood has ended, and that the world children believe we live in, where nothing bad ever happens, doesn’t exist.

I feel grief for what almost happened to my dad last year, for a life I was almost forced to live, one without him. He brushed with death, and ever since I’ve felt stuck between what happened and what could have.

I feel grief at the knowledge that I’ll outlive my parents. Even if they live to be a hundred, even if they are in perfect health, they will die, just as everyone must. Their deaths will change me forever, and I grieve the person I am now, because she won’t survive their deaths.

I feel grief for my dogs, who will die within the next decade and there’s nothing I can do to stop it.

I grieve for the ones I love that have already died. My uncle and my grandmother, who died within two months of each other.

I even grieve for myself, for the inevitability of death, for the fact that I will not be here one day. I love life so much, and no amount of years will ever be enough for me.

Grief is the price for living, and it’s a heavy one to pay. Sometimes it feels like we don’t have any left to give, that our balance is empty, and it’s in those moments that we remember a simple truth: To be human is to grieve, to feel pain and sorrow. It surrounds us, weighs heavy on our hearts, but that weight is what keeps us grounded, what keeps us alive. We grieve because we love, because we wish for a better world, because we are alive.

So, feel the grief. Feel it, then remember that you are still here.